"This Song Saved My Life" (Very personal post)

I've been debating for a couple of weeks whether or not I could write this post. It's so intensely personal and difficult to talk about.

Some of you will be familiar with this but most of you will not. I have thought long and hard about it but I feel like it just really needs to be shared.

Those of you on Facebook may have noticed that for the last week or so I have been posting links to World Suicide Prevention Day (9/10/12) and National Suicide Prevention Week which is occurring right now. Some of you may be sick of those posts. Some of you may wonder why it matters so much to me or even in general.

Five years ago this month, I attempted suicide. I was 19 years old and had just graduated high school that June. In a misguided cry for help after struggling with intense feelings of depression, anxiety, worthlessness, and despair,  I swallowed a bottle of pills.

Crying hysterically I called my Mother and best friend to ask for forgiveness. Finding it more difficult to stay coherent I realized what I had done. Slipping in and out of consciousness I heard a voice saying "Jessica, NO."

Alone in an unfamiliar place, I then managed to call 911 and was transported to a Seattle area hospital where I went through the difficult and disgusting process of swallowing charcoal to rid my body of the toxins of the pills I had taken.

I was able to go home that night but the feelings of hopelessness were still there. I spent several days shaking, crying, and wondering whether or not I should have bothered calling 911. At that point I asked my parents to take me to another Seattle area hospital so I could voluntarily check myself into the Psychiatric Ward and undergo emergency treatment consisting of therapy, consults with social workers and psychiatrists, and finding a decent medicine regimen.

It was one of the best decisions I ever made... during a time when even the simplest choices were so difficult for me.

Depression was nothing new to me. I had been struggling since I was 14. I had spent several years undergoing invasive medical testing and procedures to try and determine what was causing me severe pain and recurring sickness. The lack of answers and the continued pain largely contributed to my feelings of depression and hopelessness. I missed 1/3 of my senior year of high school by being in and out of the hospital, I had to quit running Cross Country and Track which I loved and had been good at. I stopped playing the cello. I often stayed home locked in my room. I put on a happy face with friends.

I didn't ask for help or admit how much I was hurting emotionally apart from the physical pain. This led to my spiraling out of control in September of 2007.

Fast forward exactly 6 months and I was back in a hospital. This time I was in Rexburg, ID attending school and had just become engaged. Severe pain and odd symptoms had led me to the ER when I couldn't make it to class. Finally a doctor recommended I see a gynecologist after noticing strange results on a CT scan. Within 24 hours of seeing this OB/GYN I was having emergency surgery. When I woke up he had the answers I had been looking for. I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. It explained the horrible pain I had been suffering and I was able to seek treatment to minimize it's effects on my day to day life.

A few months later I again went through a deep depression but with the help of a loving husband I found a good therapist and again adjusted my medications. I went about four years without having another really bad bout of depression. It was being managed carefully and even though some moments were a struggle I was okay overall.

This June everything changed. I began to slip. I had not been on any medication while pregnant fearing what it could do to the baby. Despite that and suffering from a high risk pregnancy my moods were in check apart from the normal hormonal related quirks.  5 weeks after he was born (this June) my doctors reintroduced my body to my medications. It takes weeks for the body to adjust to them and to see a difference. They were not helping. Sometimes I would  leave the house only once or twice a week. I took care of the boys and that exhausted all of my energy. I had none left to care for me. I was suffering panic attacks, general anxiety and feeling very low.

My doctors scrambled to try to help me but nothing was working. I had postpartum depression. I had not had it after my first pregnancy and had been warned before that because of my history of clinical depression I could develop it. This time, I did.

I felt so guilty. I had two beautiful sons, a fantastic husband, a nice home, good friends and family...but I was miserable. I could not even articulate how I felt. I didn't sleep, I didn't eat. By July I was unraveling faster and faster.

One night I couldn't sleep at all. I knew how much medication was in the cabinet in the kitchen. I knew that a high enough dose of one in particular could be fatal. I never left the bed but I couldn't stop thinking about what was in the other room and that maybe it would be better to feel nothing at all. Surely nothing was better than the intense emotional pain I was experiencing.

Intellectually, I knew it was very wrong. I knew that I never wanted to leave my husband or my children. I knew that it would cause pain and devastation to those around me. I knew it wasn't really the answer. I knew I needed help but I was scared to admit what was going on in my head.

I feel like there is still such a sense of shame and social stigma surrounding depression and admitting one has it or needs to be on medication for it. It can be embarrassing and difficult to talk about. People are often judgmental. People want you to just "snap out of it" or "go for a walk" or "deal". Depression is a disease. Like other ailments it needs to be treated. Left untreated or when treatment doesn't work we run into the cruelty and heartache of suicide.

I told my husband I needed help. Within hours we were on our way to Seattle so my parents could watch our boys and I could seek treatment again with the same specialists I had trusted when I was a teenager.

I spent five days in the hospital going through the same kind of rigorous treatment I had experienced almost five years prior. The doctors, nurses, therapists, and even the other patients were amazing. It was a safe zone. There was no judgment. There were only people wanting desperately to help and once again give me the will to live and have hope.

Having depression means sometimes taking things day by day. It means learning to speak up. It means knowing when to get help. It does not make you a bad person, a broken person, or incapable of happiness in life. We all deserve to love and be loved.

I sat in my room in the hospital one night. I had requested a radio so I could try some meditation and writing. Not having lived in Seattle in quite some time I could not remember what stations were good and didn't really know what I was in the mood for. Idly flipping the dial I came across the middle of a song. I didn't know who was singing it or what the title was but I went completely still and just listened as tears fell down my face.

I had turned it on just in time to hear these words:


I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we got Yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end you're still my friend, at least we did intend for us to work
We didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am.

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up... 

I won't give up on us
God knows I'm tough, He knows
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it

I now know that it was Jason Mraz and the song is "I Won't Give Up". I believe hearing that song at that moment was a tender mercy from God showing me that I was not alone, that I was worth it, that we are ALL worth it. There is so much we can learn every day if we open ourselves up to it.

In that moment I began writing every little thing I was grateful for, every little thing no matter how silly or small that makes life worth living. The list got to about 120 things and it really hit me how much I have and how much really is at stake. My list covered everything from my family, my friends, my religion, to sparkly toe nail polish, polka  dots, bubble baths and chocolate satin pie. The big and small all add up to a life and experience worth having.

I am doing so much better now. I am on the right dosages of medications, I started running again ( I even plan on running a 5k next week), I am back in school studying what I love most (history and anthropology), I started writing again, I got a new job, I have the right doctor, and will begin counseling again soon. My doctor last week was very pleased with what she called 100% progress.

It doesn't mean I am "cured". It doesn't mean I don't struggle still. It means there are days when I have to fight to have the motivation to do what I need to do or even to get out of bed. It means being able to communicate my feelings and letting people help me.

That is why WSPD and NSPW are so important to me. Because I am alive. Because there were people who did not give up on me. One organization holds a special place in my heart and that is To Write Love On Her Arms. I discovered them while I was a teenager and attending Warped Tour and listening to bands that are active participants in their cause. They are geared towards  helping young people in particular overcome addiction, cope with depression, and in raising awareness to the issues of suicide and mental illness. They have many universities involved  as well in providing support and awareness to the students of those campuses. In fact, I am in the process of seeing if we can get a TWLOHA UChapter at Boise State.

I hope that by posting this at least one person will be helped. At least one person will find the courage to admit they need help and seek it.

Today, the challenge presented by TWLOHA for NSPW was to change the stigmas of mental health. I hope that this post can help in that.

This week I heard a new song that I felt was so fitting for my experience with music and for the feelings I have dealt with.

None of us are alone. Face your fears, embrace your dreams, and remember to always have hope.

Summer Adventures

Once again, I have been a blogging slacker. I will try to sum up the past three months as best as I can.

• Keegan is a busy, busy 3 year old. He is almost totally potty trained finally. 
• His vocabulary is rapidly growing. His current favorite phrase involves putting his hands on hips and yelling out: "I am BOSSY!!!"
• His love for trains is undeterred and his  collection just keeps growing. He spends a lot of time with his train table and can name all these different varieties.
•  He loves his baby brother so much. He likes to hold him, hug him, kiss him, and play with him. He is always saying that Connor is his baby. 
• He loves to read, his favorite books right now are about ladybugs, the only bugs he can tolerate. He is the only little boy I know who hates bugs. 
• He loves to sing and dance. His favorite songs right now are "Call Me Maybe" (ugh) and "How Bad Can I Be" from The Lorax.

We went on a brief trip to Seattle in July. My parents took care of the boys while Craig worked in Boise and I went back to some specialists I had seen in high school at a hospital there to make sure a medical condition I have was fully under control and that my health was 100% after the difficult pregnancy with Connor. We didn't have much time to do anything but we did take Keegan and Connor to the lake which was a lot of fun and we got to spent a bit of time with my family. 

Keegan testing out the water

Connor totally slept through the whole beach experience

Splashing around with Daddy

Feeding the ducks, they ate right out of our hands

I loved getting to go on the Seattle Temple Grounds

• Connor is almost 4 months old now.
• He is teething super early. His poor little gums are swollen and he gets so cranky.
• He can roll over and lift his head and shoulders up like a little champ.
• He is mostly sleeping through the night now which is soo nice!
• He can grasp and hold a lot of his toys now which I think is so cute. 
• He grins so much. His smile is beautiful.
• He is starting to laugh as well which is the best sound ever. 

Birth

1 month!

2 months!

3 months!

Our big exciting news is that after working extremely hard the last several years, Craig was accepted to Arizona State University. It's been his goal since he was a little boy and I am so proud of him. He is going to finish his last year of his BA and then pursue his Master's degree. This means we'll be moving right after Christmas to Mesa, Arizona. We just got back from a trip out there to look at the campuses (there are three) and look at housing. The Polytechnic campus in Mesa has married housing and is where most of my classes will be (I am in the process of applying). We checked out the houses and they are simple but will fit our needs perfectly and save us a significant amount of money. We were not sure until this trip if we were going to take the leap and move but after much prayer, reflection, weighing of pros and cons, and spending time in the temple we know it is the right choice for us. 

So happy to finally be a Sun Devil!!!

As for me, I just got back into BSU now that my health is back to being 100% and I am thrilled! Since Arizona State does not have a Canadian Studies minor (few schools do) I switched to History with an Anthropology minor and am excited about that. This semester I get to take Introduction to Archaeology which I think will be really interesting.

This weekend we finally blessed Connor. It was Stake Conference so we did it at home which was a very neat experience. It was wonderful having my family and Craig's family there. Connor didn't cry at all and looked so handsome in his outfit.

Good things are happening and we are so grateful for our blessings and the new opportunities that are being presented to us.

Four Years Into Forever

It seems like it was just yesterday, January 19, 2008....

I had just started at BYU-Idaho in Rexburg and was living with my best friend Claire and two other girls. Our roommate Jen was good friends with two guys named Dan and Andrew. They had been over quite a bit and we had been talking about how fun it would be to have a group get together, have some food, and watch a musical. We decided to watch Newsies because let's face it, it's fantastic!

We went over to the guys' apartment and I saw this cute blonde boy and said: "Hey you! I like your hoodie!" He was wearing some cool skater hoodie and he told me he liked mine too. I was wearing a purple Boys Like Girls hoodie I had bought at Warped Tour the previous year.

I remember Claire leaned over and said: "Wow he is really cute!"

Craig and Claire both hate when I tell  this part of the story but it's an integral part! Claire thought he was cute and I was ( in theory) busy with my classes and running and not interested in dating after just getting out of a relationship. Soo...I attempted to get Craig over to our apartment so I could do some matchmaking between Craig and Claire.

I am fairly oblivious to things and did not know Craig liked me. We invited him and the rest of his roommates over the next evening for dinner with all of us girls.

Craig added me on Facebook and started texting me. That should have been one of my first clues he liked me. It was a long weekend so since we did not have school the next day Craig asked if he could come over. He came over and stayed all the way until curfew (At BYU-I everyone has to be back in the apartments/dorms by midnight). I had been complaining for some reason that no songs are ever written about girls named Jessica. So Craig and I spent hours listening to music and finding songs with my name in it.

Now, I have no idea what those songs even were. I just remember having a really fun time listening to tons of music and laughing.

Craig proceeded to come over every single day that week. And the next week. He was extremely persistent. In fact up until around our second wedding anniversary we had been  together every single day since the first day we met. Even now there have only been 4 instances where we have been apart for over 24 hours. We just genuinely love being together.

Needless to say, Craig and I started dating. Claire was my Maid of Honor. To this day she says if she really had dated Craig they would have killed each other. Hahaha.

I always swore I would never get engaged my first semester of college and certainly not after knowing someone for only a brief amount of time. I definitely did not think I would get married at 19. 

But the best laid plans of course often go awry.

By the middle of February Craig and I had fallen in love. Craig, Claire and I drove to Boise during a long weekend after really needing a break from the Burg. Claire's birth Mom lives there and Craig's whole family is in Boise so it made sense. I stayed with Claire but we went to Craig's house  for a BBQ and met the ENTIRE family. I still remember Nancy showing me every photo she had of Craig as a little kid.

I totally got a kick out of it. 

 I watched Craig play with his nieces and nephews and thought: "Wow, this guy is going to be a great Dad someday."

That night or maybe the next Craig and I stayed up all night talking. I don't remember exactly how it came up or why but we started discussing marriage and I remember feeling this total peace and certainty that I was supposed to be with Craig. 

On March 2, 2008 I came home from church and found clues all over the apartment.  I followed the clues and when I got to the the end I found a laptop with a video set up asking me to play it. Craig had made a beautiful video full of  photos and set to one of our favorite songs "Hands Down" by Dashboard Confessional. When I turned around he was on one knee holding out the ring. The computer screen read out: "Jessica, I love you. Will you marry me?"

I was so excited I didn't even see the ring at first and he had to hold it out to me and say "Don't you want this?"

We were married on a beautiful, sunny day in the Seattle LDS Temple on May 24, 2008. 

It was perfect. I will always remember smiling at Craig over the altar with tears in my eyes. I married my best friend for time and all eternity.

I still feel butterflies when I look at Craig and I love him more and more every day. I am so lucky. He is such a great father and husband. We have so much laughter in our lives even during the difficult times.

Four years, two baby boys, 5 homes, 3 cities, 2 universities, surgeries and hospitalizations, career changes...it's been a crazy time and a blessed time. We're following our dreams and looking forward to the future!

 In honor of the way Craig proposed to me, I made Craig a video of the last 4 years comprised of photos and songs that hold special meaning for us. It was a fun project to work on while I've been recovering.

The first song is of course from the movie that started it all.....Newsies.

The song we danced our first dance to is "Take My Breath Away" (cover by Copeland) because we both share a great love for the movie Top Gun.

(For the best video quality, click the little settings icon on the clip and view in 1080p.)

Connor's Birth Story

Connor Nash Lane was born Monday May 7th, 2012 at 10:42 AM. He weighed in at 7lbs 14.4 oz and was 20.25 inches long. Big blue eyes and hair that can't seem to make up its mind between being blonde or light brown.

Connor is a stubborn little guy. Around April 13th, we were sure we were going to have him. Even the doctor was convinced it would be that weekend. I was contracting and dilating and we walked, walked, walked. Nothing helped. The labor would not progress. For three weeks we tried basically every safe at home method for helping labor along.

Seriously, we spent hours walking along the river, our neighborhood, and the track at the Y. This is me showing what a strong, super pregnant lady looks like!

Finally, at my 39 week appointment (on a Friday afternoon) my doctor asked if I wanted to schedule an induction for that coming Monday morning.  Under normal circumstances I would have kept holding on and let him come on his own but it had been a very long pregnancy.I was completely exhausted and ready to be done so I readily agreed. After 3 weeks of contractions and 9 months of complications from Hyperemesis Gravidarum we all agreed it was time to be done. She stripped my membranes anyway hoping that I would go into labor on my own that weekend.

After my appointment I drove straight to Craig's work and told him to come to the Y with me so we could walk for an hour.

Saturday morning came and I was in so much pain. I was contracting like crazy but not enough to warrant going downtown to Labor and Delivery. So....we got up and walked some more. Go figure.

Sunday morning came and my contractions had stopped. I finally resigned myself to the fact that I would be induced Monday morning. I spent part of the day relaxing and then I went into a total cleaning frenzy making sure everything would be nice for when we brought Connor home.  I also had our home teacher come by to help Craig give me a blessing. That night we had a nice family dinner and went for a drive to look at the Super Moon that was going on.

We all had so much nervous energy we could not sleep. It was really a very odd day. It felt so weird knowing for a fact that the next day we would be having a baby. I went into labor with Keegan spontaneously so it was just a very different experience and feeling.

Since we knew so much would be changing shortly we decided to have some special time with Keegan and let him stay up late with us and we camped out in the living room together.

Craig and Keegan eventually fell asleep but I don't think I got more than a couple of hours sleep since I was feeling so nervous.

We had to be at the hospital by 7AM but I woke up around 4 unable to sit still any longer. I took a really long shower, did my hair and makeup and made sure we had everything we needed.

We dropped Keegan off with Craig's sister, picked up a smoothie for me to drink for breakfast, and headed downtown to St. Luke's.

Labor and Delivery was pretty crowded but they were expecting us and had a room ready. I had a nurse that stayed with us the whole time. Her name was Lori and she was absolutely amazing.

Last pregnant photo! Ready to go!

We got all settled in the labor suite and Lori got an IV started. Further proof of her awesomeness: she got the IV in on the first try. I have bizarre veins and this NEVER happens. It was the first sign of good luck!

We got the Pitocin going at around 7:50. My doctor came in around 8:15 and broke my water and told me all the walking we had been doing must have helped because I had progressed over the weekend.

By 8:30 I was starting to get uncomfortable but nothing major. Every 10 or so minutes they would increase the Pitocin. By 9 I was really starting to feel contractions and they were around 5 minutes apart.

After my water had been broken my doctor had said I could have my epidural at any point. Since I wasn't feeling anything yet I was not too concerned and figured I would tough it out for a bit and see how the contractions went.

They were getting pretty painful but I decided to breathe through them and get in the whirlpool first and see if that helped. I think I lasted maybe 5 minutes before all of a sudden the contractions got to be about 2 minutes apart and ridiculously painful. At that point I asked for the epidural. I think it was around 9:30.

Lori called anesthesia and increased my IV fluids so I would be hydrated for it. The nurse anesthetist came in and placed the epidural while Craig held my hand and helped me breathe through the pain which was getting very intense.

Luckily for me, epidurals seem to work really well for me and like with Keegan the placement was perfect. I cannot even describe the relief as I felt the effects start to kick in and the pain lessen. For me, the epidural after awhile takes away ALL the pain. Some people can still feel some pain or pressure for me it is very numbing.

Once it started working Lori was hanging around chatting with me about history books and joking with me and Craig. We had been watching Boy Meets World all morning which has always been a favorite since childhood.

It was after 10 AM at this point and my doctor was in the hall so the nurse figured we should have her quickly come in and do a check and then I could relax and maybe nap and plan on getting ready to push in the early afternoon.

My epidural had just barely kicked all the way in at this point and I was blissfully numb. The doctor and nurse lifted my gown, looked shocked and asked if I felt any sudden pressure. I told them I had felt some but didn't think it was big deal.

That's when they told me his head was right there and it was time to push. All of a sudden a bunch of extra people came in really fast to take the bed apart and the doctor had to call the office and tell them she would be a little late getting to the next appointment.

 Craig and I were in a state of shock. We had been told inductions could take hours and hours and with Keegan after getting my epidural we still had 9 or so hours to wait before he was actually born.

I had agreed to allow a family medicine resident come in and witness the birth of Connor. She happened to walk in right in the middle of the chaos just to introduce herself when they told her she was just in time to see  me deliver!

I could not help it, the situation seemed so ridiculous that I started laughing really hard right when they told me to start pushing.  It seems every laugh helped with the pushes. I only pushed a few times. The doctor told me I was going to laugh him right out and that's basically what happened! All in all, between the time the doctor and nurse told me I was at a complete and I was holding Connor in my arms, only 8 minutes had elapsed. We had been at the hospital only 3.5 hours. Apparently, I seriously got my epidural just in time.

We were able to call my Mom right away afterwards and she happened to be on the phone with my grandmother so they got to hear Connor's cries immediately after his birth. It was really neat.

It was such a relief having such an easy and uncomplicated delivery after such a difficult pregnancy. The doctor told me she felt it was my reward and I honestly feel as though it was a gift and blessing from my Father in Heaven. It's amazing how much better I felt within moments of his birth. I was able to drink and eat freely for the first time in months and actually feel like myself.

I am so grateful for a supportive and loving husband who got me through those 9 months and was also once again the best labor coach ever.

First picture of Craig and Connor

It's been a crazy last couple of weeks but so worth it. I love having a house full of boys. It is so much fun!